I don’t remember New Year’s eve as a celebration for the next year or a farewell to the previous year. My favorite memory of New Year’s Eve is me, my brother and my parents sitting and watching TV programs till midnight and as soon as it became next year, we would wish each other and go to sleep. Those days, there used to be fun-filled programs on TV that you could watch as a whole family. It was cold so we would be inside comforters, watching, talking about the programs, my mom would take a break and make some tea and we would laugh together. It used to be wonderful. I don’t think we actually did it because we wanted to celebrate the New Year but I think we did it because we loved having that time together and it became a tradition.
As we and our parents got older, it was difficult to sit till midnight, but we tried till 11 at least. But after all these years, it still brings a smile on my face and I still love those New Year’s eve days!
What is your favorite New Year’s ever memory??
Yesterday, I talked to a friend after a very long time. It brought back some old memories. I thought of the time, (it surely feels like this) that I did not have any worries or never bogged myself down with “what ifs”. I did what I wanted to do, I knew what I wanted to do. My days were busy and at the same time, I was working on my dream. I felt like a free bird learning how to fly and knowing I will soar high one day. And that is the only thing that mattered.
Now I feel I laugh but have hundred things that are going on my mind at the same time. I am soaring high but I am always worried about what is happening on the ground below. The sky is beautiful but I am thinking when some dark clouds will take over. This moment, I am focused but the next moment my focus has been dispersed into different streams. I pride myself on multi tasking but I also feel I am forgetting to enjoy small moments of happiness or accomplishments because I am already thinking of the next thing to come. I always need something to do but I also want to smile heartily after I have done it. It should not be that only if I reach my goal, I should be happy. Knowing that I am one step closer every day to my life long goal should also put a smile in my heart and make me feel confident that even with obstacles, I will be there one day. I should love that though I am walking slowly towards my destination, with every step that I take, I am closer to it. And during this walk, enjoy every small thing that comes in the way.
“I was listening
But not to what their mouth was saying
But what their eyes were speaking.”
Eyes, though silent, say it with so many words. Our eyes seem most expressive. They lighten up when you are excited, they flinch when you are doubtful, they well up when we are sad. You can see and feel love, fear, joy, grief, loss. And when you are listening to someone else’s eyes, you feel the same emotion. A twinkle in their eyes makes me happy. A forlorn look in their eyes makes me feel sad. A fear in their eyes makes me want to protect them.
I have been told that what I feel is written on my face. I think it is expressed in my eyes. It is like my heart is speaking through my eyes. When something touches me deeply, I can feel the pressure in my eyes. When I am thinking deeply and even now, when I am writing my thoughts, my eyes are the ones that reflect on what is on my mind and heart.
Feel your eyes and see how much they speak and feel.
“Look into my eyes and you will know more about me than you will through my words.”
We all have this inclination to want people to understand us. We see ourselves saying this to ourselves or to the other person – “I was going through this and that is why I acted that way and instead of you understanding what I was going through, you were worried about yourself.” Do we really understand what the other person is going through? In this world, we all have our own pains, we all have our own small or big heart aches. It is understandable that we don’t feel the same every day…one day we may feel we can conquer the whole world…another day we may not feel anything…and another day, we might feel everything is taking us down.W e are humans and we are entitled to our ups and downs.
But are we entitled to another person’s understanding and compassion? If the other person is not having a good day, they might not understand us…if they are having a good day, they might not understand us…if they are having an okay day, still they may not be able to understand us..Why?? Because in every case, they are thinking about their own situation…a bad day would mean they are not able to solve their own problems to take over someone else’s; A good day would mean they don’t want anything else to spoil their wonderful day; an okay day would mean they are listening to you but they are still figuring out their day. No one is bad or selfish because they do that. It is just that we are built that way. It is just that our expectations make us feel that the other person is not able to understand us. If we are able to make adjustments to our own thinking and expect less from others, our disappointments can reduce too and helps in not adding an extra stress to our already existing stressful life. If we only could understand that we are all built-in a different way and we all look at things in different ways…
Does that mean we should not have expectations?? What will you do??
So I was watching a show in which a strange guy comes to the main lady in the show and tells her that he was the person who had received her sister’s heart when she died in a car accident. He just wanted to thank someone. This lady asks one thing to him, “Are you a good person?” And he says he is and he is thankful for a second life and he appreciates it every day.
That got me to thinking..I am an organ donor on my license. The person who gets my heart will he/she feel the same way as I felt when i was alive..will their heart tell them to do the same things as my heart tells me to do? I feel deeply hurt, i feel deeply moved, I feel deeply involved with everything…will it help them or will it be a block in their lives…? This is a journal message to the person who gets my heart..If you get it, I always have followed my heart..and hopefully, you will do the same. Thank you for keeping me alive!
There is that feeling as you are approaching the milestones that will make your dream a reality…elated but also fearful, excited but also doubtful, smiling but still apprehensive. I feel it could be a fear that it still won’t come true or something will go wrong. What if after all those efforts and sacrifices , it might still fall flat. What if as I touch the dream, it will vanish away.
With so many “what ifs”, could anyone actually end up following their dreams? And if I give on to my fears, I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and regret why I didn’t even try, and ask myself – for what did I hold myself back! Chasing our dreams does mean sacrificing, taking decisions that would have been otherwise hard to take, coming out of our comfort zone and walking through the difficult road. But at the end, if you get what you want then it is all worth it. I have to remind myself that multiple times and I am sure even after all these reminders, I am still going to worry but my eyes are on that day when I will say It was all worth it!!!
There is a bend around the corner,
The one I have feared for a long time,
I take one step forward but…
Take two back because I am afraid ,
I am afraid of what I might encounter at the bend,
My mind is always filled with “what if it is something bad?”
My fear over shadows my willingness,
My doubts cloud up the road in which I am standing right now,
This dense fog is not allowing me to see,
The confusion makes me just stand where I am,
But I know if I have to touch my dream,
If I have to find what I have lost,
I have to move forward and…………..
KEEP GOING and brave myself to go around the bend!!